You Really Smell Like Dog Buns

is draining.

What do you mean you’ve “never even thought about” the millions of years difference between the youngest dinosaur remains and the oldest human remains? If you think humans and dinosaurs lived together why would you never have questioned that?
I despair.

You suck.

Why are you totally crushing on my Tumblr then??

I wish someone would buy me a new wardrobe already.

Come oooooooooooon!

Is this about me?

Who’s this sorry?

Grandma’s House and stuff. Like, existentialism and The Chapman Family and Johnny Foreigner. Did you hear about London? Yeah it was so cash. Oh hey Gummo and I live in the countryside oo arr. But sometimes Adventure Time too. Or Workaholics does that as well. Well, you’d never guess that The Wire. M O N E Y n that. Ooh don’t forget missing teeth yeah?

And also I like to pretend Alison is dead to me but she is always dear to my heart.

whatafuckinfamilypicture:

It is hard to believe that every single dad ever was born on this day.

nudestatesman:

AFTER widescale reporting that David Cameron had ‘accidentally’ left his daughter behind in a public house following a family outing last Sunday, The Nude Statesman can exclusively reveal that she was actually left as a human sacrifice.

A contact within Whitehall has revealed details of Cameron’s confusion over the tipping method when paying for goods and services in traditionally working class areas.

“You should have seen him on his last state trip to New York,” said the anonymous aide, “he paid a cab driver $7,000 for a two-block journey and left three Trident missiles as a tip. He’s hopelessly posh and can’t get to grips with ordinary things like football, pasties or physical money, no matter how much PR training we throw his way.”

Apparently the Prime Minister believed that eating in the establishment meant that a lesser member of his clan must be handed over afterwards by way of offering. He believed that only then would the plebian locals be appeased.

“We understand that he saw The Wicker Man whilst studying at Oxford, and that’s probably when the seeds of this ineptitude were planted,” quipped the disgruntled informant.

The revelations may also explain Cameron’s banning of Maypoles and breaking of all UK links with Scottish islands - decisions which have infuriated Morris dancers and Isle of Skye residents respectively.

I’m worried that consuming mass amounts of medieval-based media has made my taste in men change from scrawny indie kids to huge, hairy, weapon-wielding, killers with big arms.

you’d have thought that I’m trying to seduce my flatmates…

…

…

…I wonder if they’d be up for that??